Holding Out 

Holding Outby: Raymond Ablack

Who knows where my head's at anymore?

And you deserve more than not to know

Can't stand to see your face fall one more time

When I fail to reach your standard's line

The fit's not right, so let it go

It's not your job to tame my soul

I'm waiting for someone to come along and make my obstacles obsolete

You could say what I'm waiting on is for someone to rescue me

I'm waiting for someone to come along and make my obstacles obsolete

You could say what I'm waiting on is for love to find me

I hate it when my socks aren't tight on my feet and I hate it when I have to claim defeat

You never gave me an inch,

but a mile is what you expect

Well, now that it's coming to an end 

it's too late to make amends

I'm waiting for someone to come along

and make my obstacles obsolete

You could say what I'm waiting on is for someone to rescue me

I'm waiting for someone to come along and make my obstacles obsolete

You could say what I'm waiting on is for love to find me

If you let go, I will fall

You'll have to dive and risk it all

If you let goI will fall. 

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Written after my final break up with Anya (not the fictional, TV character), I remembered all the reasons and excuses I had for each, messy end to our relationship - like the distance; my constantly having to drive for an hour to her house and never having the effort returned. Or the wasted money, time and  energy. Sometimes, and only ever for a fleeting 'awkward' moment, it seemed as if the whole affair was a charade. Especially in retrospect, when I compare and contrast my present to my past. There's no driving distance too far or length of time too long or amount of money too much or moment that feels forced, as long as I can just 'be', with her. Even though Anya told me she loved me and I had the ability to reciprocate, I always remember thinking that 'real love' should make my ''obstacles obsolete'' - that if it were real, there would be no distance, energy, time, dedication, amount of money or anything that was too much, that I would think twice before obliging her - this special someone.

I decided to hold out for this fabled 'true love' idea. A terrifying decision at the time because I had a wonderful, beautiful, devoted, supportive girlfriend who loved me, and I was willing to walk away from it. I rolled the die on this idea that there was someone else for me. Someone who not only loved me, but who I loved too, equally. You can't control who you love, I don't think. Otherwise, I would have loved Anya. She was so wonderful and deserving of a wonderful man. A man I could be and do strive to be for my love. But as an actor, I know when I'm performing or 'forcing it' and I knew that was the case with Anya.  As much as I wanted the emotions to be real, they weren't. And it wasn't fair to either of us to allow the show to go on.  It took a long, lonely time to stumble across the girl I know is for me. 

I can't believe I was right?! That there is true love - at least if your definition is the same as mine. If it means that there is no obstacle too great to suffocate the emotion, then I think we're on the same page. 

The girl who's for me is my dream woman, for real. She makes me feel (as cheese as it is to write this) like I'm in some parallel universe that I've even found her and that she is remotely fond of me. She's stunningly beautiful, in fact, I am so pleasantly surprised that I haven't grown tired of seeing her face after so much time together?! That physical attraction is supposed to wear off eventually right? Well, it hasn't yet and I don't see it happening very soon. She's  unbelievably intelligent (The prince of Abu Dhabi certainly thinks so; willing to pay her hundreds of thousands of dollars to attend his school?). She shares the same interest in film as I do - well, from a slightly different P.O.V, but together we monopolize the industry? Or we could, we want to - I mean, wouldn't it be cool? She makes the other half of my ideas into reality - like, say, meeting me on my film set in Italy for a romantic reunion?! Take it from a proud and jealous personality, like mine, that when I'm more proud and eager to brag about her incredible accomplishments than my own, it must mean that I love her. Or perhaps the fact that there's nothing about her that I find disgusting, I'd "kiss her open sores". A 'go getter' and my inspiration as of late. She's always on my mind - it's like she's connected to every aspect of my life, so that even when the goings-on in my life, day to day, have nothing to do with her, somehow there's always a reason to connect her to anything I do - to think about her.

That's what I mean when I say, 'everything is for her' - Every thing I do, now, really is; at least in some proportion? The end goal is to 'end' with Chani Cree Gatto-Bradshaw. Crude, and ...weird, but, right. 

I guess this post is fitting as the first for a blog called the Ineffable Attempted? I tried to tackle the idea of  'true love', a topic no one has universally defined yet, as my first entry?! Well, I tried? 

...Yeah, I deleted 'The Ineffable Attempted' after only one blog post. I liked the name 'Watch This' more. Figured I'd drag the post over?